Losing my son has been the most life changing event I never knew could happen. (Ignorance is bliss, isn’t it?) And with the loss comes the building, shaping, and defining of my life. People ask if things are “getting back to normal”, and what most don’t even try to understand is that “normal” is not an option . In my case, I didn’t want to go back to normal, because the normal didn’t include my son. What is more, is in that moment I realized my child died, nothing mattered anymore. Who I was, who I am-I can’t even talk about who I was in the past because I can’t even relate to that person anymore.
And with that, I have to analyze, feel out everything as if it’s new to me. Pre-friends, pre-family pre-enjoyments, pre-everything; as if I was experiencing them for the first time. Because I am experiencing it for the first time…as Lolo’s mom, a woman whose child is somewhere else but in her arms. I am trying to find what fits and what doesn’t.
And I know that may sound sad and depressing… it should because it is. But it’s also the most empowering thing I’ve ever learned from. I’m more proud and I have more conviction in who I am. I’m also much more compassionate and empathetic. I know others may see the “new” me as different; and they don’t like it because I may not act the way I used to; and they don’t like the change. I could be sarcastically defensive and agree that their trying to get used to this new me is hard for them. (As if what I’m going through isn’t tough?!) But I’ve realized that is not the issue. I’m in a different place from where I used to be…I’ve outgrown things from my past, and they’re not of use to me anymore. And acknowledging and accepting that is freeing. I am grateful and free.