Sharing my personal experiences as a Reiki Master to support others

Archive for the ‘Reiki and grieving’ Category

…finding empathy.

My particular client recently gave birth to her stillborn, and is only a few months raw. I say this term because it is. It’s raw and unreal. I prepare myself for her session by looking back at where I was during a few months after my son was born still. And there are certain milestones and triggers that are now part of my life.

I remember I forced myself to find a full-time job to help pay for my hospital bills (you know…the one where I was charged for hospital services even though this was not your normal labor and delivery. And don’t get me wrong, I am thankful and appreciate all the support from the medical staff, but at least some financial scholarship would have helped during such a terrible time.) Thanks for reading that rant…now back to my reflection.

My body was finally done bleeding and internally healing from pregnancy and C-section. I was determined to heal properly, so I had physical therapy appointments to retrain my body; to sit upright, to walk, to run, to go to the bathroom, and to lift things. I had to force my self to go for walks and practice using my abdominal muscles again. And through all this, I also cried myself in my car on my lunch break, locked myself in public bathrooms to sob, prayed to Lolo, gave myself daily Reiki, and visited my son’s burial site almost every day.

How does someone do that?…Honestly, we’re forced to. The days move forward without asking if you want to participate. There’s no way for you to pause or rewind your life back to the time your baby was living. And that’s how you do it.

So, as I plan for my upcoming client, I find empathy for what she may be going through. I send distant Reiki to our time we will spend together. And I create an open and loving space to just be. To feel the sadness, the loss, her breath and intend to fill her heart with peace, hope, and for just one moment be still with her heart.


…4 years out.

4 years ago my life changed; from good to bad to worse to okay. For those of you who have been following my blog, thank you. It has evolved from Reiki guidance to unraveling my deepest sadness while using Reiki as a tool to help me process and grieve the loss of my first born, my son, Lolo. The sadness that comes with losing a baby, the word doesn’t begin to describe it. No one knows how you feel, not even another loss parent because each journey is its own. Yes, there are similarities, but there are differences. And now I’m 4 years from the moment I laid my eyes on him. From the moment I held him, felt him move inside me, saw his warm face. But marking this calendar moment at 4 years does not mean anything. I still can recall the exact events in full detail, just like it was yesterday. The pain is not as heart-wrenching for long periods of time; it just comes and goes now. But that’s because we’ve added two more little sisters to our family; we made Lolo a big brother. And we’re learning to intertwine our lives with the loss of Lolo, because he is around spiritually, guiding us, playing with us, loving us from abound. We’re teaching our girls that although we can’t see him, he is there.

And that is what Reiki has also taught me. That even though we can’t see the energy, the love is there waiting for us when we are ready.

~Lolo’s mom

…with a holiday wish.

Christmas miracle

Maybe I’ve been watching too many Hallmark Christmas movies.  You know the ones, someone doesn’t believe in the magic of Christmas because a multitude of reasons.  Maybe they lost their childhood innocence, maybe they had many Christmases spoiled, maybe they don’t feel like they deserve it, or maybe they think the magic Christmas provides isn’t capable of giving them what they dream.  The latter is me, thinking that the miracle of Christmas isn’t strong enough to make my dream come true…I feel it’s out of reach.

But in those movies, nothing is out of reach.  There are friends, family members, strangers, angels, guides, and spirits helping someone believe.  At the end of the movie, the miracle comes true- nothing is too large.

So what would my holiday wish be…if I made one?  I thought about it.  And usually my wishes are selfless, right down to my birthday wishes.  I use my birthday wishes, my entire day actually, offering Reiki to others.  That is my gift to me, I would give a Reiki session for free to someone on my birthday.  That is how much I love Reiki; and I receive so much from it by giving a session to others.  But a Christmas wish…the possibility of a miracle, if it were truly possible, I would have to be selfish.  And selfish is a struggle deep down to my core because I am unsure it would even work; so, I’d rather wish for something else.

But my holiday wish, my miracle would be to spend one whole day with my baby again.  No, not the one I hold in my arms on a daily basis.  (Although, I embrace her daily knowing that moment could be the last.)  No, my first one; the one that was lost to me many years ago.  The one I never get to hold, to see, to feel, to love, to grow.  That one.  My Little One, my Lolo.  I wish I could talk, I wish I could feel, I wish I could hold for matters more, over and over, my cup never runneth over.

That would be my wish for a Christmas holiday miracle.  Merry Christmas.


XOXO – dedicated to all those mothers and fathers out there this Christmas season wishing for a miracle, too.  I sure hope some sort of miracle comes to you.

…to begin again.


Image borrowed from

There was something weighing heavy in my heart as I approached these last few weeks of pregnancy.  I was feeling scared, filled with butterflies from my pelvis to my heart.  This feeling radiated outward from my chest; and I knew releasing these feelings were key to a progressive and calm labor.  Moreover, I didn’t want these feelings present as I begin my new relationship with my baby girl.


And this morning I was finally ready to let go of these emotions through a Holy Fire Reiki meditation.  As a Karuna Reiki Master, I learned several meditations and mantras that support healing past experiences.  I chanted three mantras that focused on my trusting life, manifesting my goals, and healing my heart.  As I chanted these mantras with my hands on my pelvis and heart, out of no-where I heard the phrase, “begin again.”  Hearing those words immediately connected with the tightly bound ball of emotions I had.  I thought, “begin again, yes, that is what I want to do.”  I want to be ready to begin again, to begin another new life in my little family, to go through labor and delivery again.  To begin again.  And I began to cry.  As I released a load of feelings, I felt validated.  These are truths, worthy feelings that come with a pregnancy after loss.  Not everyone experiences this, but they do exist.

As that release of emotions passed through me, there was a bit more heartache remaining.  So I invited Holy Fire Reiki to come in to me.  I wanted to replace any residual anxiety with love, compassion, and confidence.  With an immediate answer, I felt the presence of warmth and love flow through me like a soothing wave.  I felt at peace.  And with my hand on my heart, I heard a voice say, “you have everything you need within you.”  Again, I cried when I heard these words.  And through these tears and gasping breaths, I released the fears that were holding me back.  Holding me back from moving forward with this new little one, this new little girl, Lolo’s baby sister.

And now, I am ready.  Ready more than I have been before, because of this Reiki meditation.  And if any lingering feelings come back around, I will fill myself with Holy Fire Reiki and trust that I have everything I need within me.

I am now ready to bring my little tiger into the world.  We cannot wait to meet her.

Thank you for reading and being open to Reiki.  It is my joy to bring peace to others using Reiki.  With love and compassionate embraces,


…trying to live in the moment.

For years I have practiced the concept of living in the moment – focusing on slowing down my life and being aware of my actions in order to enjoy my life on Earth. This is difficult for many because we fill our time with things we do not love.  In consequence, we waste precious time and energy on them.  And it wasn’t until I lost my son that I was transformed into spontaneously living this concept.

I remember in the first few months I would watch the world go by.  I could not understand how people lived their lives without pausing.  They’d wake up, take a shower, go to work, have conversations, run errands, go home, and complete the day in preparation for the next.  Barely, if any, reflection upon how their interactions effected their life, relationships, and goals. filtered_daisy_flower-710175

For me, I had a filter over my eyes letting me view everything in slow motion.  This filter let me live in the moment.  Since it was slower, I had a chance to also feel my emotions.  I witnessed my life in conjunction with others’.  It let me appreciate the little things; innocence of children playing tag, warm sun on my face, and ignorance is bliss.

I had achieved living in the moment without having to try.  And although I’ve got to believe this concept is truth no matter the situation, I don’t know if this is the place I always want to be.  While living in slow motion; I was also able to live within my own reality.  That I have lost my son, and it wasn’t a dream.  This is my reality.

And when I stop to think about the reality of my moments, sometimes I wish that wasn’t the moment I was living in.

For all those who are caught between a dream and reality~for those who want to understand living life with loss~

With love and appreciation for your reading,




…with the gift of grace.

Postpartum and depressed feelings; call it what you will.  I was sad, depressed, and gave myself the grace to embrace these characteristics because I wasn’t tending to my son like I imagined I was going to be.  I gave myself grace to sleep, cry, and remain in the same clothes for days.  Grace for days instilled in my heart.

GiveyourselfgraceNo longer was I to dream about it; die from it, escape from it, near to it.

Grace.  For the love of it, for the love of myself.  Let my soul sleep, remain in peace in the quiet in the stillness until I am ready to come out again.  And now, here I am.  Grace, a moment of grace, a moment of time to give yourself.  Grace, a moment of time to give yourself grief, a break.


Dedicated to my son, my soul, and my fellow mamas and daddys who need more grace.

~Christine Markowski, Usui/Holy Fire II Karuna ® Reiki Master

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