…to begin again.

Image borrowed from jerrylofaro.cgsociety.org

There was something weighing heavy in my heart as I approached these last few weeks of pregnancy.  I was feeling scared, filled with butterflies from my pelvis to my heart.  This feeling radiated outward from my chest; and I knew releasing these feelings were key to a progressive and calm labor.  Moreover, I didn’t want these feelings present as I begin my new relationship with my baby girl.

 

And this morning I was finally ready to let go of these emotions through a Holy Fire Reiki meditation.  As a Karuna Reiki Master, I learned several meditations and mantras that support healing past experiences.  I chanted three mantras that focused on my trusting life, manifesting my goals, and healing my heart.  As I chanted these mantras with my hands on my pelvis and heart, out of no-where I heard the phrase, “begin again.”  Hearing those words immediately connected with the tightly bound ball of emotions I had.  I thought, “begin again, yes, that is what I want to do.”  I want to be ready to begin again, to begin another new life in my little family, to go through labor and delivery again.  To begin again.  And I began to cry.  As I released a load of feelings, I felt validated.  These are truths, worthy feelings that come with a pregnancy after loss.  Not everyone experiences this, but they do exist.

As that release of emotions passed through me, there was a bit more heartache remaining.  So I invited Holy Fire Reiki to come in to me.  I wanted to replace any residual anxiety with love, compassion, and confidence.  With an immediate answer, I felt the presence of warmth and love flow through me like a soothing wave.  I felt at peace.  And with my hand on my heart, I heard a voice say, “you have everything you need within you.”  Again, I cried when I heard these words.  And through these tears and gasping breaths, I released the fears that were holding me back.  Holding me back from moving forward with this new little one, this new little girl, Lolo’s baby sister.

And now, I am ready.  Ready more than I have been before, because of this Reiki meditation.  And if any lingering feelings come back around, I will fill myself with Holy Fire Reiki and trust that I have everything I need within me.

I am now ready to bring my little tiger into the world.  We cannot wait to meet her.

Thank you for reading and being open to Reiki.  It is my joy to bring peace to others using Reiki.  With love and compassionate embraces,

~Christine

…learning to love him spiritually.

I have mentioned that Reiki is helping me in a variety of ways since my son was stillborn.  And there are many topics I could write about.  I recovered from surgery faster than what nurses normally saw.  I was promptly walking around the hospital after major abdominal surgery.  I opted out of morphine.  My c-section scar healed beautifully without excess inflammation.  (I also attribute that to my surgeons and their expertise.)  Also, I weaned myself off pain medications while half of the prescription went unused.

Aside from the physical improvements, one of the deepest changes Reiki showed me was instead of loving my son physically, I was learning to love him spiritually.

Reiki has the innate ability to guide you towards your true self and your spirituality.  As you do this, you begin to open yourself up to awesome things.  I’ve always believed there’s a spirit that lives in everything.  From what we can see, such as the trees to the stars to the moon; to what we cannot see, such as the wind.  They all have a spiritual energy within them; it’s the power of Mother Nature.  We can’t see it, but we can feel its energy.

Although it will always be difficult to not have my son physically in my arms, I feel his presence everyday.  I feel him when a side of my body gets tingly, when my head feels sparkly, when a particular leaf falls to the ground directly in front of me and stops me in my path, when the stoplight turns green as I ask him to get me to work on time, and when a song I sang to him plays on the radio at the exact moment I miss him.  He is here listening and answering back.  He is here with his dad and I.

These are all confirmations that he is around, I just can’t see him.  It is difficult to accept these instead of his embrace, arms around my neck, or a kiss on the cheek.  But I’ll take what I am given; and thank Reiki for teaching me how to listen.

If you’re missing your loved one, please know they are with you.  By reading this, you are already opening yourself up.  Now, begin noticing the little confirmations.  Those little things that pop up during your day that you think are “out of nowhere”.  Those are it!  You just have to be open to the thought.

~Christine Markowski, Usui/Holy Fire II Karuna ® Reiki Master

 

 

…with the gift of grace.

Postpartum and depressed feelings; call it what you will.  I was sad, depressed, and gave myself the grace to embrace these characteristics because I wasn’t tending to my son like I imagined I was going to be.  I gave myself grace to sleep, cry, and remain in the same clothes for days.  Grace for days instilled in my heart.

No longer was I to dream about it; die from it, escape from it, near to it.

Grace.  For the love of it, for the love of myself.  Let my soul sleep, remain in peace in the quiet in the stillness until I am ready to come out again.  And now, here I am.  Grace, a moment of grace, a moment of time to give yourself.  Grace, a moment of time to give yourself grief, a break.

 

Dedicated to my son, my soul, and my fellow mamas and daddys who need more grace.

~Christine Markowski, Usui/Holy Fire II Karuna ® Reiki Master

…through tough times

Hi –

I know what you may be thinking, it has been almost one year since my last post.  Back then, my husband and I were expecting our first child.  We were excited and anticipated the new family addition.  I wrote about Reiki during pregnancy, and using it through labor.

Now 1 year later, I want to say thank you for your patience.  It has been a difficult year; tough to live, tough to write.

I lost my baby during labor; and I don’t how to say that without stunning others or making them uncomfortable.  But it is a story that happens more than we speak about.

To write is to bear all, leaving the author exposed and vulnerable; and I’m not ready for that.  I’ve tried many times to write and this post is all I can do.  But I will soon be ready, because this is a story worth telling.  I plan to blog about it; and about how Reiki is healing me in many ways.  But for now, I must heal myself.

~Christine